Internal Bleeding
by Ayshen
Summary: She keeps telling herself that this miracle should be enough to fulfill her. Even if there is a phantom pain for someone who is no longer the one she can cling to. Samtrick.
1. The Missing

**A/N: Background: Samtrick broke up, Jasam got back together, Patrick saved Robin but there wasn't a romantic reunion after. Patrick took a 6 month sabbatical and spent some time with her in California.**

 **Also, while this is very much a Samtrick story, I don't intend to bash Jasam/Jason because that is a very important relationship to Sam.**

 **Thank you for reading and reviews are appreciated. Also, blame Zoe.**

" _Remembrance of things past is not necessarily the remembrance of things as they were."_

 _-Marcel Proust_

 _She should be happy._ It's her thought as the light from the chandelier explodes off her wedding ring, her husband and son across the room, matching blue eyes, tentative smiles, still learning how to be again.

 _She is happy._ That's what she tells herself. So what if she doesn't feel it in her bones and some mornings all she can manage is a weary smile because creating new memories has to be enough to fill the cracks in her that forgetting has left.

OoO

"Mommy, I miss Patrick"

He whispers it sleepily, tucked in the new racecar bed that replaced the one she couldn't bear to pack when they left. The lump that forms in her throat chokes her back in a way that she hadn't expected, tightening her chest, reminding her of the panic attacks she had the first time Cody made her run a con. Closing her eyes, she squeezes away the tears that threaten to spill out, slow deep breaths and then looks down at him, his face now peaceful in sleep, pushes his hair away from his face, "Me too buddy" she whispers, "Me too"

OoO

His hair is no longer curling at the collar, sheared short the way it had been when they had met more than a decade ago and her fingertips tingle in remembrance of how it felt fisted in her hand, wrapped between her fingers.

It wasn't something she anticipated…how, after six months of exile, he still stole the breath from her lungs. Biting her lip, she waits for him to turn, his skin even more golden tanned than when he left, surely the effects of the warm California sun, and when he does turn, his eyes darken, dimples deepen and he smiles, wide and sure. _He still looks at her like she's the only thing he wants for the rest of his life._

One of her biggest fears was that she would never know what it was like, for him to look at her with that blistering smile, for everything between them to be fraught with tension and sadness.

"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes" he teases, the flirtatious tone in his voice one she remembers well and it coats her skin like warm honey.

Raising her eyebrow, she takes a couple steps closer to him, "Same could be said about you, Doctor Hollywood" she teases.

That garners a chuckle, "California is great...but it's not home" he tells her, their gazes matched, and she knows exactly what he means. She used to think home was a place…but in Port Charles she leaned that sometimes a home was a simple as the people who stopped making you want to run.

"How long have you been back?" she asks.

Someone calls him over the intercom and she wants to grab onto him and not let him go but he tilts his head resigning himself to it, "A week, Em's coming back next week and I promised I'd ask if it was okay for Danny to come hang out…she's uh…missed him, a lot" he tells her, the silence passing through them with things that they do not dare to speak.

"Of course"

The words lie on the tip of her tongue, and she wonders if his lips are blistered the same, "I gotta go" he says the intercom buzzing again and she nods and lets him turn around and leave.

Never realizing how much of her that he still carried with him.

OoO

"Sonny wants me to go down to the Island next weekend"

The words make her cringe in remembrance and she has to take a couple seconds to remind her that it's not like it was before. Jason had taken over part of the legal coffee business, working with the unions down in Puerto Rico to keep the plantations running smoothly.

Nodding she smiles at him, "Okay, sounds good"

"I was hoping that maybe you could come"

His new smile is still taking some getting used to, more boyish than the one before, same eyes, crystalline blue when he's happy and grinning like that at her. She wants to scream out a yes, go down there with him, forget about the last two years but she can't.

Old Sam would have. Dropped everything to follow him down there. But old Sam didn't have a son with a birthday party on Saturday, or a family dinner on Sunday that she had promised Kristina she'd be there for moral support, "I would love to but Danny's been looking forward to that birthday party this weekend and Kristina asked me to come on Sunday to the family dinner…she needs my moral support"

Twisting her lips, she watches his shoulders slump playfully, "Okay but next time, yeah" he asks coming towards her, opening his arms and she falls in, resting her head against his chest.

This used to be the place she felt the safest but now, the arms don't feel the same, and the way she fits against him isn't quite right.

OoO

"DADDDDDYYY"

Her heart escapes her chest, trapped in her throat and she can't breathe for a moment, the air growing thick as her knees quake. Danny's little legs move under him down the cobblestone walk and she watches him throw himself into the waiting arms.

Daddy.

Swallowing the emotion, she squeezes her eyes shut and counts back from five to try and calm the tears that threaten to fall. When she looks up, he's still in Patrick's arms talking animatedly, the toy race car clutched in his tiny hand. Dimples etch deep into cheeks as the doctor nods, laughs and then looks over to her.

Internal bleeding. That's what they call it, when everything is broken on the inside but you're still walking around like there aren't shards of yourself piercing vital organs. Closing the gap, she smiles, "Danny, remember" she says but the words refuse to come and she looks up apologetically at the warm brown eyes that stare down at her.

"It's okay" he whispers, patting Danny's head before putting him down on the ground.

Biting her lip, she feels her will betray her as a tear slips out from the puddles in her eyes. Before she can reach it, he's moving his own had to swipe it with the smooth pads of his thumb. There's a moment his fingers linger, their gazes match and she almost forgets that they're in the middle of a walkway, that Lucas is waiting for her at Kelly's…that he's no longer hers to stand with under the sun, basking in the glow from both.

And it's a sharp knife that slices through taut muscle, right against the bone.


	2. Ghosts of Us

**A/N: Pssst, thank you for reading, and all your kind words, they fuel the muse.**

" _Normality wasn't in the days I'd left behind me: it was only to be found in whatever fortune placed in my path each morning."_

 _-Maria Duenas_

 **Having a little, Welcome Home, party for Emma on Tuesday. Would love if you and Danny could come…Jason too, of course.**

 _Of course._

Tugging her bottom lip between her teeth, she stares at the screen, conflicted. There was a part of her that desperately wanted to go…wanted to wrap her arms around Emma and remind her how much she was still loved, would always be loved because in the short time they had together, Emma had stolen a piece of her heart that she knew would never get back.

Another, more selfish reason, was, to see him, and feel wrapped up in that warmth and strength that he possessed in one look, a dimple etched in his cheek as he made sure she remembered she wasn't alone in this.

The problem she encounters, is that she isn't alone… _not anymore_ , she has Jason back, and that should be enough. _It has to be enough._ So she can't find comfort in Patrick's sinewy arms to wrap her up, or the way his lips would brush over her hair absentmindedly. She can't depend on that, even if she still dreams of it on nights when the side of the bed isn't occupied by anything but the ghosts of the life she thought she would have.

OoO

In the end, she goes, Jason still gone on business, Danny running up the familiar path, his blonde hair bouncing in excitement before he's ringing the doorbell, "Hey, hey, chill on the door bell" she teases, ruffling his hair.

Before he can respond the door bursts open, "DANNY" Emma squeals before looking up, "SAM" she says throwing her arms around her waist. Fingers flow through the little girls hair, she hadn't imagined how much it would hurt to see her again, because she had pushed back all those memories, of the feelings…how much she had loved the moments with their little family.

"Daddy's in the kitchen getting plates, come in" she says, pulling away, grabbing her by her hand and pulling her into the house.

Jake waves at them from across the room, "Danny, come here, the race track is SO COOL" he exclaims and she watches her son run to his brother as Emma follows.

"Here Danny, you can be green, Daddy painted one of the black cars PINK, for me"

Warmth spreads over her, like sinking into a warm bath at the end of a long day, bubbles up to your chin, the tension finally releasing from weary muscles. She hadn't realized how much she had come to equate this place, these voices, with the strength of coming home.

Pulling her eyes away, she walks towards the kitchen and pushes it slowly, hearing the familiar laugh and tease of his melodic voice, flirting, and feels her heart drop into the heels of her shoes, "Oh Nurse, meet me in the empty OR" he whispers huskily, and the bile tickles at her throat, knuckles white gripping the door, suddenly losing the ability to breathe.

He's moved on. He's moved on. The ground recedes beneath her and all she can feel is the sinking down into herself. It wouldn't be fair for her to expect him not to, not when she…but she doesn't care about fair right now because everything she thought she wanted is blown apart, sanguine red in puddles at her feet.

"Shut up Patrick, I went on one date with him" the other voice admonishes, jarring, and then she hears him chuckle deeply.

"Yeah yeah, I see how he looks at you" he teases, "I'm gonna have to have a talk with that Dr. Griffin about how to treat my best friend"

The air fills her lungs again, and her stomach stops tossing like a dingy in a hurricane when she realizes it's just he and Liz teasing…for a moment, it had felt so real, the finality of it all…him with someone else, her going home to Jason.

 _It is final_ , the voice in her head reminds her…she just wishes it was loud enough to convince her heart.

His hand catches the door and before she thinks, she's being pushed backwards, stumbling, almost falling. Almost, because his strong arms grab around her to steady her, "Whoa there" he whispers against her hair, _"I got you"_

Looking up, under hooded lashes, their gazes match, his eyes dark in concern, "You okay?" he asks.

 _Is she okay?_ The thought alone is enough to make her belly ache with a somber chuckle that will never meet her lips. The truth is, okay was lost in one fell swoop in that church and the moment she walked out of his door with his kiss in her hand, she knew she'd never be able to get it back.

OoO

"What's on your mind sunshine" he asks, his blue eyes twinkling at her as he comes down the stairs, long strands still wet from the shower.

Looking up from her case file, she quirks her eyebrows and looks at him. He doesn't find the same comfort in the long silences between them. Her mind drifts back to a time, they could sit on the couch for hours, her feet in his lap, going over case files, him watching the game on television. She longs for that again, how effortless it had been to communicate with no words…no need for the idle that he seems to feel quite familiar with.

 _This is the new him_ , she reminds herself, and she has to learn to love those parts of him that are no longer the same. Even if she is no longer the same.

"Just reading some notes on this case, things go okay on the island?" she asks, knowing that he was nervous about taking a job with Sonny, any job, even on the legal side of things considering his knowledge of their past relationship.

That elicits a big smile as he comes and sits on the edge of the couch, "I wasn't sure…you know, I didn't know if I was cut out for this but, it feels good to be out there working with the people, and I think…I think I'm really good at it" he tells her, looking over her at sheepishly, "This is weird, right? I mean…it's different than before" he asks her, his teeth pulling at his bottom lip.

Maybe it's the way he looks at her, so unsure, it tugs at her heartstrings and she sets down the file, "Yeah, it's different" she tells him, coming to wrap her hands around his, "You weren't a talker", _before_ " she teases making him laugh, "You didn't really…you were more behind the scenes in the business so" she stops for a moment to try and think of the right way to phrase it without reminding him of things that make them both uncomfortable to discuss, "There was no talk about work, you were never verbose" she teases, arching a brow with a smirk and he chuckles squeezing his grip on her.

He pulls her up and against him, her head resting over his heart, and she closes her eyes the moment she feels the moisture pool in them. It burns at the backs of her eyelids but she fights back the tremble of emotion. He is trying so hard to be what she wants, who she wants…to fill in the ghost that haunts their past…but how's she supposed to admit that maybe, what she wants, or who she wants, isn't that ghost anymore?


	3. Daymares

**A/N: Sorry for the wait, thank you for your kind words, they mean so much to me.**

" _Memories are dangerous things. You turn them over and over, until you know every touch and corner, but still you'll find an edge to cut you." - Mark Lawrence_

Her fork stabs at the tomato on her plate, pushing it around as her mother rambles on about Kristina, college, her professor and she's half listening…trying to listen, but her mind is elsewhere and right now it's preferring to be focused on pushing her salad around her plate.

The thoughts all culminate about the thing she's attempting to ignore… _she misses Patrick_. It's not something she's proud of but, she rationalizes it, she misses her friend…her adventure buddy, the person she used to talk to everything about. She wants that back, she wants him back… _as a friend_. They both can move on, build back onto the fact that they liked each other, genuinely enjoyed each other, way before anything romantic happened… _right?_

"Woo-hoo, earth to Sam" jars her out of her contemplation and she looks up to meet the caramel eyes of her mother's dancing with amusement, "You know, I've often wondered how you were as a child, picturing you being a daredevil and rambunctious…but now I know you sullenly play with your food" she teases, gesturing towards the pulverized tomato.

"Oh" she says cringing softly, "Sorry, it's just…a lot on my mind"

Alexis stops for a moment, peers at her, in that motherly way that it still slightly awkward, yet endearing at the same time, "Wanna talk about it?" she asks, her face full of concern.

For a moment, her mouth opens, flails softly but then she's waving her hand in front of her face, "Nah, it's just a case" she fibs because she doesn't yet know how to find the words to explain any of her feelings.

Alexis smiles at her, in that knowing way, and she resolves to focus on something else, anything other than how the loneliness permeates her bones.

OoO

They literally almost run into each other on the dock, crossing paths by the water, her attempt to clear her head after lunch with her mother. She's greeted by a bright smile and dark eyes, "Sam!" the other brunette exclaims, "I was hoping we'd run into each other one of these days" Robin admits.

This makes her eyebrows knit quizzically and Robin tilts her head knowingly, "That sounds weird, I know…it's just" she starts before pulling her lip between her teeth and then slowly releasing it, "I just never got to thank you, for everything"

The moment is slightly awkward and as she raises her head in protests, Robin continues, "Please…let me finish, I always hoped if Patrick and I…with Emma, I always hoped he would meet someone who loved her too…and I know you did. Emma talks about you all the time, and…I just wanted you to know, I hope you won't be a stranger, you or Danny"

It sucks the breath from her lungs and she's slightly thrown off by the words but she smiles, nods, "Emma's an incredible kid…anyone would be lucky"

A hand touches her arm and their eyes meet and Robin leans in, "But I'm glad it was you" she reiterates.

Sam nods, "Me too"

OoO

Everything swirls in her brain after Robin leaves and she finds her knuckles white as she grips the railing, feeling the soft mist of water on her face, trying to find clarity. She had expected Patrick and Robin to get back together, when he came back alone, she had assumed.

Which was stupid, of course they got back together, Patrick had his own little family back, it makes sense. Yet it's worse than the sting of a bullet tearing through muscle, right down to the bone, because she knows it's a wound that's going to fester and burn before it ever begins to heal.

A shiver runs through her and she wraps her arms around herself instinctively, and she knows where she needs to be, in the only arms that can begin to remind her of all she has to thank the universe for.

OoO

"MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY" Danny yells, little legs pumping under him as he flings himself in her arms. She allows herself to cling to him, bury her face in his neck and inhale him because, he is the one perfect thing she's ever done in her life.

"Soon enough, he's gonna be too big to do that, unless you want to practice for defensive tackle" Ned teases, ruffling the boy's hair as she sets him on the ground.

That makes her smile, "I am not that small" she admonishes.

The man holds his thumb and forefinger an inch a part, "A little" he teases, "But you hold it well"

Both of them laugh and she wonders how she got here, standing in the foyer of the Quartermaine mansion, friendly banter with Jason's cousin, her son beaming as his grandmother comes down the stairs, "Oh Sam, you're here, we lost track of time" she says smiling, and it swells her heart to know that her son is surrounded by the love of a family that she had craved growing up.

"I missed him" she admits smiling down at the blonde head, "What you say buddy, you and me at Kelly's for some ice cream"

"YES!" He exclaims, pumping his little arm triumphantly before he's hugging people goodbyes and they're on their way.

OoO

Jason's still not home when she tucks Danny into bed and pops the top on a long neck bottle before making her way to the balcony of the penthouse. The cold air feels fresh on her face and she walks to the edge, to look down on the sparkling lights of the city before taking a long swig from the bottle.

While she would have prefered the burn of whiskey to clear her head, there was a stark realization that she missed how the bitterness of wine stung at her lips...or was it the lips that she kissed it from. Right now, it's all one big swirl and she knows there's not enough beer in the world to help her forget.

" _You made ya bed Sammy, now you gotta sleep in it"_

The words of the past creep up her spine and make her skin crawl as she closes her eyes and forces the voices away, wondering if she could ever fully shake the way her past has the ability to poison everything good in her life.

Her fingers are on the phone, before she can think and he's picking up, "Sam?" He wonders, his voice husky and she can almost picture what he looks like, hair mussed from sleep, skin warm and reddened.

 _Next to Robin._

"Sorry, I shouldn't" she tells him, rambling slightly, "I just"

"What's wrong"

It coats her insides, warm and comforting, like hot cocoa on a snowy day when all you have to do is sit by the fire and hold someone so close you forget where you end and they begin.

Blinking back tears she sighed, "I just, I needed someone to talk to and" she admits, practically chewing a hole in her bottom lip.

There are things they both don't say in the pause...like the fact that her husband has no idea who she is. Sure, _he knows her_ , has been given the history lesson, the story of them, bits and pieces of the story that she was. But, he can't tell her, her father's name besides Julian, or how she still cries in the middle of the night when she dreams of their sons namesakes. He knows everything about her but he looks at her with eyes that can no longer see into her soul.

"Hey, I'm here, did you have a nightmare?" He asks, and she remembers how his hand would run up and down her back when she would wake up in a cold sweat, or how they stayed up until 4am the first time she opened up about what life with Cody had meant.

"Sorta...waking one" she explains, running her hand through her hair, "But I shouldn't….I don't want Robin to think"

There's a long pause, "Robin?" He asks confused, "What are you..."

The words tumble from her lips before she can stop them, "I ran into her...today...I just...I think it's great that you're..."

Another long pause, a sigh, the one he does when he's running his hands through his hair before pinching the bridge of his nose, "We're not" he whispers, "I mean, she's back, she's staying at her mom/s until...but we're not"

"Oh"

"Yeah"

Her heart is hammering against her ribcage like a battering ram and then she hears Jason come through the door calling after her. She hears Patrick suck in a breath and knows he heard too, "I should go" he says, "Chamomile...tea...that used to help"

Waving to Jason, she turns around, too much of herself revealed already, her ribs peeled back like tangerines, all of her open and not for him to see.

"Goodnight"

"Night"

The sliding glass door opens but before she turns around, her eye catches the beam from the lighthouse, flickering against the water...hope, for all those who are lost at sea.


	4. Merry Go Round

**A/N: To Zoe, who makes me cry in my DM's about Samtrick.**

" _ **But there was a difference between being stuck and choosing to stay. Between being found and finding yourself." - Martina Boone**_

" _I need to ask you something"_

 _Her eyes are closed, and their feet are tangled under their blankets as a smile comes to her face, "I already asked you to marry me" she teases._

 _As the sound of his laugh falls from his mouth, she can picture the way his brown eyes shine when he's amused, that smirk spreading across his face as he shakes his head, "Technically, I asked you first" he tells her._

" _I asked you second"_

 _He turns over, and pulls her close to him, leaning in to capture her mouth, slow kisses before he pulls back, "And I thank the universe every day" he whispers._

 _Slowly, her eyes open to meet his, "So what did you want to ask me doctor?" she whispers huskily, turning to her side, arms reaching up to wrap around his neck._

 _Dimples etch in his cheeks, and his hand rises to stroke her hair, "I know we were talking about Danny, and preschool this morning. Sam, he's...so smart, and the way he can build and put stuff together, it's amazing" he marvels and her insides warm at the way he talks about her son, full of the same light and love that exudes when he talks about Emma._

" _Okay"_

" _So I was thinking, and we have to start now because the wait list, but what if we enroll him in Crittendon?" he asks and she bites her lip, thinking of the fancy preschool that both of her sisters went, "It's where Emma went, and we'd have priority because we've already had a kid who went"_

 _Their kids._

 _Their little family._

 _Her eyebrow quirks and her hand comes to his face, "You been thinking about this a lot?" she asks._

 _Licking his lips, he smiles, "It's important to me, to see him be somewhere where he can fully realize his potential, he's such an amazing kid"_

 _It overwhelms her and she's leaning in, "You're pretty amazing too" she whispers against his lips as his body melds into hers._

" _Yeah" he asks cockily.,_

" _Yeah"_

" _I'll show you amazing" he says rolling on top of her, his mouth on her neck, and her toes curl as his lips worship her skin._

The brochure sets in her hands and she flips through it, the different programs the school offers, so different than anything she had ever imagined she could give a child. Let alone, _her child_. She was a mom, and in that she had found a purpose greater than anything she had experienced.

"Whatcha looking at" Jason asks, a smile on his face, so unassuming and self assured.

Closing it, she hands it to him, "Looking into preschools for Danny" she tells him, as he opens it up and flips through it.

"Whoa" he marvels, "Fancy...uh...this is…" he says putting it down, "I didn't realize how, uh, advanced, a preschool would be. I pictured blocks and nap time" he says chuckling.

Nodding she pulls the book back, "Yeah I know, it's kinda crazy but, I don't know, maybe someplace like this could really be good" she says, still unsure herself, wishing she could call him to help her make the decision.

Pushing back, Jason gets up, takes his plate to the sink, "Hey, listen" he tells her, coming back, hands on her shoulders, rubbing the tension softly, "Whatever you decide is going to be the right choice, you're a great mom" he whispers against her hair, a soft kiss on her head.

There is something so sincerely honest that for a moment, she can almost remember how it used to be, "Thank you" she says turning around to meet his eyes.

He grins, shrugs in that boyish way that's so new to her,, leans down and gives her a quick peck on the forehead, and the moment is lost.

OoO

The counter at Kelly's is empty as her and Danny make their way to to the counter, "Large coffee to go, please" she asks the new girl behind the counter.

"AND A COOKIE" Danny exclaims, crawling up onto the stool.

A smile lights the younger girls face and she laughs, "And a cookie, please" she repeats looking at him.

"PWEASE" he mimics.

"A large coffee and our biggest cookie, coming up" she says and heads back to the coffee before turning around, "I'm gonna brew a new pot, is that okay?" she asks.

"Perfect"

When the bell jingles, she's not expecting him but it's the little voice she hears first, "DANNY" followed by her son practically launching himself off the stool.

"EMMA" he cries, running towards the little girl who throws her arms around him.

Then her eyes trail to the door.

There he is, golden tanned, dimples barely peeking out when he spots her, and since it's purely by happenstance, she takes that as a sign that it's okay to talk to him, to ask his advice, to lean against him once again .

"Hey" he says cooley, and if she closes her eyes, she can remember the way his arms used to creep around her from behind, his face in her neck, breathing her in.

"Large to go for me too" he tells the waitress who is writing down a phone order and she nods in acknowledgement, "And another cookie" he says with a smirk and she can't help the flood of warmth that lights her skin, that they still run in parallel lines.

There is a nervous tension between them, and she's softly falling on the balls of her feet, "Uhm, I had a question I wanted to ask you" she tells him, finally breaking the silence.

"Sure" he says and he does the thing where he curves in, tilts his head, fully engaged in whatever she is saying, and sometimes it still amazed her to watch the way he nodded as he absorbed whatever she said, made her feel listened to, input appreciated. It reminded her of the past, more than she cared to admit, to the first person who ever made her feel valued, like that, because that tether had altered the future she thought she was going to have.

"I got the pamphlets back...from the preschool and I" she starts, chewing her lip softly, "It's overwhelming" she admits, quirking her brows endearingly.

A chuckle falls from his lips as the waitress brings their coffees, two cookies in the same bag, and without thinking he pulls out money and tosses it on the counter for both of them, like he had done dozens of times before, "You don't" she starts and he shrugs as he nods his head towards the door.

"Ems and I were heading to the park, if you and Danny aren't busy, we'd love for you to join us"

"YES PLEASE SAM, PLEASE" Emma asks, her eyes wide and lit up and Danny is looking at her expectantly, like if she makes the wrong decision, she'll be paying for it at naptime.

Smirking, she looks from the kids, back to him, "Yeah, we can do that"

"Yay!" Emma cries out followed by her son clapping in agreement.

OoO

Emma takes Danny's hand and they walk together the entire way while her and Patrick follow, arms grazing occasionally as they do, which makes her feel connected in a way she hasn't felt since he's been gone, tethered to something again.

They sit on a park bench as the kids climb all over the playground, Emma sliding down with Danny, pushing him on the swing, _just like a big sister,_ and it grips her heart in sadness for all they had lost...trying to remind herself that they gained something back too.

"Alright so what's up" he asks, "I know you were concerned it was too much"

It's honest and open and she pulls the brochure out and stares at her son, laughing, running across the woodchips that soften the floor, "I just don't want to put too much pressure on him, I want him to be able to be a kid" she admits before turning back to look at him.

His leg is pulled up onto the bench, cocked slightly so he can turn into her, and it's in an instant that she realizes the start juxtaposition isn't because Jason doesn't...he can't, not anymore, not in the same way, and a big part of that is that she doesn't know how to let him fully back in. Not when there was someone else who had picked up the pieces and put her back together.

"I understand" he said, "I had the same fear about Emma...pushing too much. It's why Robin and I went with Crittendon, it's a great school that focuses on learning but they allow the kids to play, and be kids. I mean, look at Emma, she's excelling in school but she's still a kid"

Nodding, she hears their children, "MOMMY" Danny calls followed by Emma, "DADDY" and they both turn.

Danny beams at her from the top of the biggest slide, "MAMA COME WATCH" he yells and she grabs her phone, pulling it out to film and runs over to the bottom of the slide, Patrick coming behind her.

"Yeah buddy" he yells, clapping and then he bounds down, Emma holding him, in a giggling heap.

She's too busy laughing and scooping him up to notice the stranger walk by, "Sir, you have a beautiful family" the man tells Patrick with a hearty laugh and a slap on his shoulder.

But it's his response that guts her, cuts off the ventricles of her heart and she can't tell if the lack of breath is causing death or euphoria, "Yes" he says with a soft smile, one dimple etched in his left cheek, "I do, thank you" he whispers and everything that is right is wrong.


	5. Questions to Answers

**A/N: Sorry I took forever, thank you for all your kind words.**

" _ **At the end of the day, it isn't where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I'm going and never have been before." - Warsan Shire**_

 **I need your help**

She's in a meeting with a client before she can respond but her heart is beating like a battering ram against her ribs as she texts back, **What's up?**

 **Can you meet me at the hospital, the 15th floor deck, 2:15?**

Softly she pulls her lip between her teeth, chewing softly, two friends, right? Just going to help someone out. That's what she repeats to herself as she answers in the affirmative and grabs her keys.

They haven't seen each other since the park the week before, and she'd been purposely avoiding the spots she thought he might be. Too many thoughts and decisions swirl around her, and being around him just makes everything, effortless again. She tells herself that her and Jason just need time alone, together, to rediscover each other, for her to learn the stitches of his fabric, to stop looking for the old familiarities that bound them together.

OoO

She takes the service elevator up, ducking in and out before anyone can notice, early, and unsure still about how she feels being here, meeting him. _But you're friends. Buddies. Pals._ the voices whisper in her ear, the hot breath of a lie she tells herself because it hurts less to run her fingers over the cracks in her that his absence had left.

Wringing her hands, she grips the railing and stares out at the city, the fog rolling over the marina, the colors of the boats misty, like someone smudged their colors on a canvas. She was never meant to be here, or maybe she was always meant to be here, because she's always been a contradiction of copper wrapped glass...seemingly unbreakable but the cracks under the facade had cut her much longer than she cared to admit.

"The city looks so picturesque from up here" comes from behind her.

 _Deep and warm, honey on weary bones._

Slowly, she pivots on the heel of her boot and smiles, "Everything looks prettier from far away" she teases, a familiar arch of a brow as she looks at him.

That garners dimples and he looks over her shoulder, out to where her gaze was, "Nah, some things you can only experience, _up close_ " he says, and his tone is laced with a million things they dare not say. Because they're at peace now, because they're happy now...because, she could never love him the way she loved Jason.

 _Right?_

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she looks away, and then back, meeting his gaze. He's smirking again, the heaviness of the moment no longer making the air murky, like she's drowning under the weight of everything that sinks her.

"I know you're busy but I need some help" he says the vein in his forehead pulsing softly as the smile fades from his features.

Nodding, she crosses her arms, protectively over her chest, "Uh, okay, now I'm worried" she tells him as he walks towards her, takes a seat in one of the wide lounge chairs, her body unconsciously sliding down onto the arm, like she's done dozens of times in the past. Turning into him, "Is it Emma" she asks, hoping she concealed the lump in her throat at the idea of anything being wrong with the little girl.

Clasping his hands together, he looks down at them sitting in his lap and then back up at her, stoic, "No, no, nothing like that" he assures her, "It's more professional"

"Okay" she responds, eyebrows quirking, their gazes still locked.

Licking his lips, he turns into her, more intimately, pulling one leg up so he can angle his body towards her, "I have a patient" he starts, "A kid about Emma's age. He has a brain tumor. We're planning on doing surgery"

She's nodding, slightly confused but his adam's apple bobs with emotion while he averts his eyes slightly, "I'm hoping I can save him..but uh...he asked me to find his dad for him...just...in case..." he admits, brown eyes filling with tears.

There is an itching in her palms to reach out, to wrap her arms around him and try to soothe him but she doesn't trust herself enough to do that, to touch him with such familiarity and pull back away. So she reaches a hand and places it over his, his long fingers tangling with hers, "His mom told me, that she looked for him but she's exhausted her resources and they don't have the money" he continues, "I know it's a time crunch because the surgery is in 3 weeks…"

Her hand squeezes his his, tightening their tether, "I'll find him, give me any info, and I'll find him" she tells him, surely, tone full of conviction, because if she can do this for him, _anything for him_ , she will.

OoO

The doors closes behind her and Jason comes out of the kitchen, "Hey you" he says, that smile, so familiar, yet still so strange, "Uh, Danny begged to stay at the mansion with Monica" he tells her, shoving his hands in his pockets and rocking slightly on the balls of his feet, "Hope that's okay" he asks still so unsure of himself.

Smiling, she looks at him, really looks at him, studying the curves of his face, trying to remember, aching to remember the way her hands had memorized the topography of his body. His eyes, they're still the same...they have been the same, but she couldn't remember them. Not for the year he was running around town with a new face, new name. She couldn't look into them and know...because the connection she felt with him, was a dull hum, instead of the earth shattering way that Jason used to look at her.

"You okay?" he asks, the low timbers of his voice making the hairs on her arms stand on edge.

Nodding, she forces a smile, "Yeah, yeah, just, cases, a lot on my mind" she explains, because that's it, too many emotions, she's overwhelmed.

He comes towards her, wrapping his arms around her and she rests her head on his chest, inhaling the smell of his t-shirt, trying to find her way home. He made it back to her, she owes it to make it back to him, _right?_

 _But how do you make it back home, when that place no longer exists?_


	6. For the Best

**A/N: Been too long, I tried to make it a little longer to make up for my sabbatical.**

 _If you hear the past speaking to you, feel it tugging at your back and running its fingers up your spine, the best thing to do—the only thing— is run." - Lauren Oliver_

"Sing to me Mommy"

His eyes are already half closed when he asks, the mop of blonde hair in her lap, her fingers curled around a couple tendrils as she soothes him. There is a secret part of her that fears the day he's too old for this, so she relishes in the moment that he wants his mommy to climb in bed and sing him a song.

"You want a song?" she asks, smiling, amazed that she was given this precious gift, that after everything, it was worth coming to the place where she is, Danny's mom.

He cuddles closer to her, "Mmm, the comet one" he murmurs sleepily.

Closing her eyes, she recalls the lyrics. She couldn't tell you the first time she heard the song, somewhere on the road with Cody, sitting in the backseat of the van, looking up at the stars, it had stuck with her.

Promises of a better life, of following the stars to her true north.

 _Little sleepy boy_

 _Do you know what time it is?_

 _Well the hour ol your bedtime's_

 _Long been past_

"Yeah that one"

 _And though I know you're fighting it_

 _I can tell when you rub your eyes_

 _You're fading fast_

 _Fading fast_

His chest is moving rhythmically by the chorus but she continues to sing, slow and low, not wanting to miss out on these moments, to hold onto the good and forget all the bad.

 _Won't you run come see St. Judy's Comet_

 _Roll across the skies_

 _And leave a spray of diamonds_

 _In its wake_

 _I long to see St. Judy's Comet_

 _Sparkle in your eyes_

 _When you awake_

 _(St. Judy's Comet – Paul Simon)_

It's the fourth night in the week she falls asleep in his bed, with his little body curled around her, back still against the headboard but it's where she feels the most herself these days. It's an hour or two before dawn that she wakes, stiff and warm, and extricates her from his little tangled limbs. Stretching out, she goes to the window, looks up at the way the stars cover the sky, glistening off the lake like a million diamonds.

"You ever coming to bed"

The voice behind her is familiar and foreign, deep timbers not registering in the lost registers of her mind, but more shallow memories, still strange on her skin.

"Yeah" she says, turning away from the night sky, towards two crystalline eyes and a small smile that plays on his boyish face.

"You know, if it wasn't confident, I'd be worried that you seem to prefer sleeping in a toddler bed…I mean, we can get a twin, if you feel more comfortable" he teases with just the slightest hints of truth singeing the edges.

Instead of saying anything, she forces out what she hopes mimics a playful chuckle, walks towards him and slaps his chest, "He's cuter than you" she teases, but averts her eyes down the hall, back to their room…to the old bed, with the new sheets…to match her old husband…with her new husband.

OoO

"Gotcha"

Fingers hit the keys in rapid succession. After ten days of running through different databases, she finally got a hit. The info comes in slowly, and she's chewing the skin on her thumb, waiting for the articles to reveal themselves.

The tension releases with a sigh when the license pops up, "Ohio" she murmurs, "Looks like we found you"

OoO

He meets her at her office, breathless, keys jangling in his pocket and she hands him the file, "Changed his name, that's probably why you couldn't find him. Dominic Campanelli is now Dominic Carter, Ashtabula, Ohio…he's a fisherman…lives on a houseboat" she tells him and he opens it, eyebrows knitting as he flips through the documents.

When he looks up at her, his eyes are shimmering and his dimples crater into his cheeks, "You're amazing" he whispers, "Thank you"

Their eyes meet, and her skin prickles with an ache to reach out, to grasp his wrist, to wrap her arms around him and pull him so close that she can't tell which one of their hearts is beating against her chest.

 _But she doesn't trust herself to be able to let go._

His hand slides into his pocket and pulls out his phone, typing, "Three hours" he tells himself, "Looks like I'm going to Ashtabula" he tells her with the dance of danger in his eyes.

"We're" she tells him before thinking…because that's what they do, together. Adventure buddies...pals…friends, and she's not going to let him do this alone.

His eyebrows raise and mouth opens and she puts up her hand, "No, I'm coming, so don't even say it" she tells him already grabbing her phone.

Danny is already having his sleepover at the Quartermaine mansion, so she fires off a text to Jason, "Case is going to run in overtime, may not see you till the morning" she tells him, "Danny's at your mom's" and then she's throwing her phone in her bag and looking up at his amused face, "If we leave now, we can get there and back before I pick up Danny for breakfast"

"Let's go"

OoO

They fall into grooves, like calloused fingers on a well loved guitar, slow and steady on the bridge, strumming softly in the same staccato rhythm they found so easily. He drives too fast, and she closes her eyes, the wind in her hair and she's 16, the first time she went out on her own, tasting freedom in the way the cool air slaps against her face, like nothing else exists for a moment but them and the open road.

Not that she would trade the life she's lived, the life she has because being a mother grounded her, gave her roots and strength that she couldn't have imagined before.

Still, she'd be lying if she didn't admit that it had also settled her…tied her down, made her want to give things to her son she never had. Stability…a father….an intact family.

"Whatcha thinking" he asks as she rolls up her window.

The sun is setting, and the lights are started to pepper her line of vision, "I was just thinking about how I ended up here" she tells him, "Not here, HERE literally, but in Port Charles, just remember the nights on the road, living by the trail of stars" she admits wistfully.

A chuckle escapes his throat, "Do you ever just ache to run?" he asks, his voice full of wonder, "I love my life…I love Emma more than anything but sometimes…everything feels too…restrained. Sometimes there's a part of me that aches for that freedom…" he admits trailing off before looking over at her, "I probably sound like a horrible person"

When he looks back to the road, she lets her eyes linger on the clench of his jaw, the slow stubble appearing on his face, "Not at all" she tells him, biting her lip, "I know just how you feel"

OoO

Her eyes flicker closed two hours in, when the lights go dark and the sound of the car lulls her to sleep. His hand is on her thigh when they pull off the highway, GPS leading them down the town roads, down by the water, and her heart beats faster when the freshness in the air hits her misty from the lake, "We're close" he tells her softly and then pulls hand back to the wheel as they drive towards the marina.

Straightening in her seat, she looks at the boats lined up and smiles, reminding herself that she promised Danny they would go sailing this year, she would teach him about the stars, show him how to steer the boat, to set anchor and sleep under the night sky.

He slows as the GPS has him turn and then they are there, sitting in front of the small boat. His hands clench up and she can't help this time but to reach out, put her hand over his, and in response, just like it's second nature, he flips his hand over and grips hers, still staring in front of him.

They sit silently for a long time, holding onto each other, until a light comes on in the boat and he lets out a deep sight. She squeezes one more time, and he pulls away before looking at her, "I'll go" he starts.

"I'll wait right here. I'm good backup" she says with a wink and gets a smile.

"That you are" he says as he slides out of the car, opens the back door and grabs a file. She slides from her seat too, coming towards the hood and leaning back in anticipation. Her hands grip the light jacket as the breeze runs across her skin.

He's always in her line of sight, and she can't hear what's going on but she watches the interaction, the tense stance, the waving of the hand, and she's ready to jump if it gets physical but Patrick shoves the file against the man's chest and he opens it slowly.

Everything sags after, Patrick's hand on his shoulder, the voices more muted. They lean into each other, heads tilted in understanding, and then they go into the house. It's ten long minutes and she's chewing on her lip until she sees his dark hair peek out of the door.

She pushes up as Patrick runs up the ramp, until he's swooping her into his arms, their bodies flush, warm, her fingers finding themselves wrapped in his hair and his mouth pressed warm against the skin of her shoulder. He sets her down, looking down at her, bright eyes, a small smile, until the door cracks behind him, and suddenly all the tension in the air dissipates and his face drops, pulling back, a visible lump in his throat. His hands that were just on her upper arms drop to his side, "Uhm, I shouldn't, have..." he starts, "I'm sorry"

Her heart steadily beats against her rib cage and she hates herself for the guilt, and hates herself even more for the lack thereof. He scratches his head, "You know, I told him, we'd wait...he has to get in touch with his boss...he didn't...it might be a couple hours" his words are so unlike him, choppy and scratchy in his throat, "Take the car and go back to Port Charles" he finishes, the first definitive statement he's made.

He doesn't look at her, not directly, averting his eyes, rocking on the balls of his feet, and the bile rises in her throat, "I can wait" she manages to whisper out and he shakes his head, "Pat" she rasps out, almost a beg.

The look on his face reminders her of the night she left the house, eyes shimmering with moisture, a wry smile on his face, "Go…go home…to your family, it's for the best" he whispers, like the syllables are acid burning his tongue.

His words hang between them like dirty laundry flapping in cold wind and she swallows hard but nods, "If that's what you want" she tells him, clenching her jaw and grinding her teeth softly.

 _"_ _I have to"_

It's not intended to punch her in the gut the way it does but for a second all the oxygen escapes her body and her lungs collapse into her chest.

Nodding tersely, she doesn't dare speak, pivots without looking at him, beeps the car, climbs in, adjusts her seat and peels back roughly, rocks kicking up under the car.

The tears hit the moment she turns on the main drag, driving next to the water, trails down her cheeks. She pulls off at a beach site two miles down, gets out of the car, slams the door before she's practically jogging towards the water. It's cool, too cold to be out there in a light sweater, but she doesn't feel the chill of the cold, just the sob that hits and she folds at her middle, and cries, deep hearted, trying to suck in the wholeness that the water brings. .

 _For the best. For the best._

 _Certainly not for her._


	7. Ebbs and Flows

**A/N: a late birthday present to my, Zoe, who, fuels my Samtrick pain. Thank you for everyone who has kept up with my sporadic updates!**

" **It's the colors that will make you stray. They sing to you, the not-blue and the searing light, and no matter how tightly you tie yourself to the inbetween, eventually you will break free.**

 **No one swims only in the shallow water." - Betsey Cornwell,** _ **Tides.**_

The guilt and exhaustion settle into her bones and by the time she crosses the state line, she can feel her joints stiffen in protest, too many hours in the car...too many tears against the wheel. She doesn't check her phone, equal parts afraid of what she may see... _and what she will not._

He had sent her away, and the sting of it pierces against her skin like the prickles of a million needles, just enough to maim her completely. The last stop for drive thru coffee and her simmering anger is what gets her through the last leg of the journey. By the time she reaches his parking space at the hospital, she's gritted teeth, seething.

How dare he send her away like that? After all they had been through? They had been a team and he just...she knew it was hard but they had agreed to be friends, how was he so willing to throw all that away too?

Deep down, she knows it's irrational, but that doesn't matter because, for a moment, she felt alive again. Like a wounded bird with fresh air breathed into its lungs, soaring and feeling for the first time at months. For a moment, she had been free, again. She throws the car into park, pulls her phone off the charger, slams the door, kicks the tire for good measure and gets into her own car. It's the first time she's looked at the phone.

Six missed calls.

Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason, Jason

Slamming her hand against the steering wheel, she grabs the shift and throws it into reverse, speeding across town to the penthouse.

Her heart is ramming against her ribcage when she comes through the door, worried, and then she sees the table, with the half melted candles, a dozen roses, wine glasses and she chokes up the sob that was born on the beach in Ohio and died on her lips in Port Charles.

Leaning against the door, she runs her hand through her hair and steadies her breath, swiping the tears off her face and looking up to the creaking stairs. He stands at the top, blonde hair- unkempt and childlike now, the slight blonde stubble that her fingers had never known before, the blue eyes that she wanted to be the same….that she wanted to piece through her soul like they had before they lost it all in one fell swoop.

"Hey"

"Hey"

She watches his Adam's apple bob with emotion and he steps down a couple stairs. She opens her mouth to speak but his opens first, "I tracked your car last night" he tells her, almost flippant, coming down the last of the stairs.

As her back stiffened, the guilt she had been feeling begins to dissipate, "What?" she asks, arms coming across her chest as she pushes away from the door.

Walking by, he shrugs, "Right next to Patrick's car, work, right?" he asks.

His tone gives him away, and she knows enough about him now to know he's bothered...jealous. It irks her in a way that she can't explain. Maybe it was all the nights he would disappear, all the unanswered questions where she waited at home, for him to return…

 _Or not to return._

Maybe she's been waiting for this moment, for this fight because for months, all she was was so damn agreeable, trying to make everything work for everyone else. Ignoring things that had been glaring at her but now, shes' too tired, everything is too raw and it combusts.

"First of all, how dare you. I trust you, you've run out of here at all hours of the night, and I trusted you. Maybe you don't remember but you were always leaving, and I couldn't question...or I learned not to because I never got answers" she tells him and his neck snaps, eyes wide as she begins to unleash.

"Second of all, I was working, I helped Patrick with a case that had to do with his patient, it broke last night and we went together to figure it out. We don't lie to each other" she tells him pointedly and adds, "Even if you don't remember that"

Eyes shine brightly, his jaw set and he breathes out harshly, "I don't like you around him, okay? It wasn't too long ago that you were ready to marry him" he tells her, waving his hand around.

Biting her lip, she almost smirks... _almost_ and shakes her head, "Well not too long ago you were ready to marry Elizabeth...but I'm supposed to smile when you go to pick up Jake every Friday, or when you have to go to open house together"

"That's-" he starts.

A hand comes up to stop him, "Different? Yeah, different...I guess that's one thing that's stayed the same" she says, resigned, pushing past him to go up the stairs. It was a low blow but she's been taking the high road so wrong, she almost forgot how good it felt, to not always try and be the better person.

OoO

Sleep doesn't come, instead she's fighting the sheets and tossing and turning in the guest bed. It didn't feel right to go into their room, to crawl into the bed that hadn't felt the same since he left that night, a different face, a different man. Nothing felt right anymore except the raging storm that brews in her veins. When she finally gives up on sleep, she grabs her phone looking at the time and deciding it's too early to call for Danny. Plus, if she's being slightly selfish, she just needs a little time to decompress. It starts with a hot shower, washing away the smell of the water that lingers in her hair, and the last bits of mascara that weren't stuck to her tear stained face.

Somehow, deep inside, she knows the night before and this morning were some seismic shift in her life, in her heart...because for so long she had been moving with the ebbs and flows of the tide instead of pushing back when she should...instead of fighting against the current to get back to who she was. That stopped now.

Cody's voice finds a way into her head, the first time he threw her into a pool, " _Sink or swim McCall, sink or swim"_

Grabbing the keys, she knows there's only one place she needs to be, needs to face.

OoO

He answers barefoot, in soft jeans, the five o'clock shadow playing on his handsome features. He doesn't speak, opens the door wider and lets her in. It's silent for a couple moments, but she can feel the hurt heat up her skin, hairs standing on end as she desperately tells herself that she will not cry, not now, not here. So she turns away from him, looks at the wall where their pictures once were, bites her lip and wills herself to be strong.

"Sam" his voice is just above a rasp, throaty, full of emotion.

Turning, she looks at him, "What the hell was that last night?" she asks, "I thought we were friends...I thought we were a team" she tells him, trying to avoid the crack that comes in the middle, betraying her calm facade.

His hand combs through his hair like he does when he's frustrated, "We are...we are friends" he says less convincing than she anticipated.

"So that's how you treat your friends" she shoots back, her voice slowly climbing higher, "Oh hey thanks for your help, now you can go" she finishes, just below shouting.

That garners a frustrated eye roll and he stomps his foot in the way he does when he's upset, his eyes still looking at the ceiling, "Oh what, don't have an answer for that? Because things were going great, we were working together again, it felt good and then you just flip this switch" and she's rambling now, confused, angry, afraid.

"STOP" he yells, before she can continue, "Stop" he repeats softer, "Don't you get it Sam? It did feel good, it felt great, it felt like we were back to normal, back..back. But we're not. Do you know how hard it was not to kiss you out there, not to grab you in my arms and touch every inch of your skin. Because you're not mine anymore because, I was willing to fool myself into thinking that we could have that...and, I wouldn't want...but I do. I still do, and I'm sorry" he finishes, his eyes now shimmering with moisture that opens the floodgates from her own heart.

Tears well up and spill before she can even think and he's stepping forward, swiping his fingers over her cheeks, the pads of his fingers still wet from wiping his own tears, "I'm sorry" he whispers, "I wanted so much to…"

Her hand comes around his wrist, still cupping her face, "Patrick"

That sad soft smile comes to his face, his eyes crinkling softly, twinkling at her, "I know, you're with Jason, I know I had to let you go because you were still in love with him...but I'm still in love with you, I never stopped"

The moment slows, time stands still, his words pour over her like honey, everything she's wanted to hear but never quite let herself admit, is lying at their feet and now, she has to either let the tide roll in and choose the life she leads...or swim past the expectations to the life she could have.

 _Sink or swim, McCall._


End file.
